“Wake up, wake up in the middle of the night,
Wake up, wake up to the sound of rain on the roof,
Just get me back, I wanna see another sunset, and another sunrise.”
‘No Memory’ (1987)
It is not because of anything anyone else has said or done. It’s me. I know that sounds laughably like a cliché but please let me explain (perhaps that’s another of my self-indulgent weaknesses, that I want people to understand me).
I like to – no, I need to think things through. I’m a reflector. To do that I need time and fixed points of reference. A structure to build my thoughts on. I need routine. It helps me visualise things. I can’t rush. It’s how my brain is wired now and gives me comfort that I am not out of control again. It is part of my self-care programme.
My work world has been a bit ‘topsy-turvy’ recently. There have been too many moving variables and I’ve not been practising self-care.
The business owner has changed what they ‘need’ (wants), sometimes every few days. The consultants I’m working with have changed their responses to my ‘technical’ questions with regularity. Not necessarily contradicting themselves but resulting in irregular and dramatic changes in what is needed in me, and what I have to translate for others. Perhaps it’s the consultants’ own iterative spiral towards the end goal; that might be their process. It’s not mine. It’s meant lots of reversing, re-visualising, reworking and re-explaining for me. Way-toooo-many-re-s for me!
In parallel to that, the regulator we work with is glacially slow. Their lack of progress for us illustrates to me how underfunded and disillusioned their staff are; the result that after five months we are back where we were.
So I have found it difficult to create any clarity for myself. There are so many moving pieces of the project puzzle that I have found it difficult to visualise where the successful outcome even was.
I don’t like giving up on ANYTHING (or anyone). I want to please. Nothing makes me happier than to make others smile. I keep my promises. This is a lovely trait in a friend, but it can be hell to work with and I can take it to very unhealthy extremes. I don’t play the violin or travel on cruise ships (yet) but you get the gist?
I slumped in the centre of a vortex with shards of communication swirling around me. At the same time unable to ignore or grasp the pieces that flowed around me. Texture and colour drained from my senses: my rainbow dulled and there was no sunrise. The only thing I could feel was my heart pounding. For a short while I had became detached from my own reality and I wallowed there in the grey grasping for a beautiful colour.
This led me to seek comfort in unhealthy compulsive/repetitive practices (including social media). It led me to break my rules that keep me safe and healthy.
Thank you to those who have offered me support. For the colour that seeped into my grey. Rainbows and rouge, your words have provided me with more comfort than you can possibly know. Though I apologise for my unhealthy dialogue from the middle of that place. I am sorry where I have hurt with my confused and confusing responses; especially so that I muddied the beautiful colour of Twitter that comforted me. I mourn that and hope you understand.
Today, I will practice self care. I will allow myself to be better than yesterday.
I will at some point explore my dreams again. It may even be today, it may be someday. I’m not putting any pressure on myself. I will accept what my higher power has for me to do today.
Be gentle on yourself. May you live your passions and touch your dreams. Keep being fantastic because you so fucking are!
Wishing you loving kindness, Agatha X